If there is anything more traumatic than a parent having to bury their child, I do not know what it could possibly be. It is not just the moments after being told that your entire world has shifted and that you will never see, touch, or hold your child again. It is every breath that is forced in and out of your lungs from that moment on.
I stood there already knowing what the man would say. Why else would he have been looking for me regarding Marcus at 3:17 on a Saturday morning. I could feel each beat of my heart as I watched him close the door of the police car and step toward the front porch where I waited to hear what he had come to say.
He couldn’t look directly at me. His right foot drew small circles in the dirt in front of him as he drew a breath and forced the words out of his mouth, “He has passed away.”
Over time, I had seen this moment in theatres, books, and television shows. I had heard stories of mothers screaming from deep within their souls and falling to the ground begging God to bring their child back. I had known other mothers who had suffered the same loss, but never until that very moment had I ever known the excruciating pain of grief.
There are no words to describe what happens in those first few moments and even months after child loss. I would even venture to say that while there are some universal truths, each family’s story plays out each with its own thunderous and life altering, world shattering truth. For me, the first several months flew by and stood still, just like they had when Marcus was in active addiction. I felt anxious, nervous, sad, angry, frustrated, alone, crowded, and absolutely helpless. Grief had taken over, and I came to a point where I lived in its shadow.
Until he died, my days were consumed with helping Marcus raise his daughter and fight for stability, sobriety, and mental clarity. I lived to keep him alive, grounded, and moving closer to a life that he could be proud of. Marcus was twenty-seven years old when he passed away and had relied on my support, guidance, and reassurance for most of his adult life. I had become accustomed to checking in with him several times a day, working with him through goals, dreams, and day-to-day tasks. With him gone, I was forced to say goodbye to my son, my friend, and the caretaker that I had become. I also had to figure out exactly who I would be and what my world would look like without our long chats, laughter, fights, arguments, and tears.
Initially, I found purpose and strength in advocacy, and turning pain into purpose. Alongside many other bereaved parents, I worked to expose the dangers of fentanyl poisoning, addiction, and the threat that substance use disorder has on children, families, and community. While this mission is and always will be very important to me, I found myself feeling like there was still something missing. When Marcus passed away information about fentanyl poisoning was not as readily available as it is today. As a society we have seen an alarming increase in lives lost every year to fentanyl. Because of the number of heartbroken parents and families trying to make sense of their journeys, fentanyl awareness campaigns have flooded our communities and the heart work of connecting with others and advocating for change is being fully embraced. Feeling like the work was being done, and done well, I took an intentional step back and asked God to show me His purpose for my life, “Lord, I want to honor you. I want to please you, show me exactly where you want me. Place my feet on the path that you have specifically designed for me to walk.”
In the wait, I have felt my heart drawn to the grieving and hurting parents, siblings, spouses, family members, and friends. As I continue to connect with and grow in relationships with those who were trying to make sense of life after loss, my heart broke again and again, not just for myself, but for each and every one of them. In trying to make sense of my role in my own story and each of theirs, I shared Marcus’s story publicly on several platforms to include my first book, Shadows of Grief. As I wrote the words in this book – that is exactly where I stood, in the Shadows of Grief.
Today I am able to share Gods pulling me out of the place of deep grief and to somewhere altogether new. Here grief lives in my shadow instead of me in its. My healing journey is one that I suspect I will be on for the rest of my life, but what I have learned thus far, I share with you here in Grief in my Shadows. The time sense Marcus’s passing has led me on a path of self-discovery and spiritual awakening. While I have always considered myself a Christian, the past few years have drawn me closer to God in a way that I will always be grateful for. The time that I have spent in scripture, worship, and prayer have given me a peace that surpasses all understanding and strength I never knew I could have.
This is a time of contagious joy, a time of increase in faith, and depth of understanding. It has become my heart and life mission to share the path that I have walked so that others too can put grief in their shadow.
It is here with Grief in my Shadow that I am able to share how the God of the universe has given me the opportunity, to honor, celebrate, and cherish my son’s life while finding true joy in mine, even now. I carry pieces of Marcus with me always and by the grace of God I have let grief become my shadow, where for so long I have been its. In the pages of Grief in my Shadow I aim to share the path that God has taken me down and how I have been able to step in front of the grief that I carry with me.
Dearest Marcus,
You will always be there. Where I go, you are too. No matter how the waves of my world shift or change, I will always carry you with me. For a long time, I dwelt in the shadows of grief. It was first grief, and then me. I need you to understand that it is only because I have full confidence that you are resting peacefully with the Lord that I have stepped in front of my grief and am living a full life even now, after your passing.
xo,
Mom
Readers, If you have already read my first book, Shadows of Grief, Thank You! If you have not had the opportunity to hop over to amazon and leave a review, please consider supporting my work by sharing your thoughts. If you have not read it yet, please consider adding it to your reading list.
Blessings,
T